Chapter 1. Prehistory and the Legend of Baz

Remains of early inhabitant of Basingstoke (artists impression)

For too long Basingstoke has squatted in the popular imagination as Britain's most boring town, a national joke known to many only for it's Dallas-like skyscrapers and impenetrable system of ringroads and roundabouts. Recently, however, websites such as Joe Tozer's Basingstoke not Boringstoke and Stewart White and Jon Allen's Basingstoke Files[1] have created a new awareness of the fascinating and otherworldly life that thrives within and around the 'Towers of Basingstoke'. The time has come to paint an accurate picture of the pivotal role Basingstoke has played in the history of the world.

In order to fully appreciate the history of Basingstoke and the man for whom it takes it's name a great deal of perspective is required. Our story begins millions of years ago when the earth moved about the sun in much the same orbit as today , but spun on a significantly different axis. The latest historical evidence points to the fact that what we now know as Antarctica was the settlement of a great colony of spacefaring star creatures. These advanced beings lived in a culture of utopian ideal until a sudden and unexplaiend catastrophy caused a cataclysmic shift in the earth's crust. This prehistoric Atlantis was almost instantantly shifted to the south polar regions where today all evidence that might prove these theories lies buried below thousands of feet of permafrost. Whether the armageddon that destoyed their society was of the alien's own making or brought about by natural causes, still remains the most hotly debated topic of modern science. [2]

Following the destruction of their civilization, some remnants of that ancient race of interstellar demigods wandered the earth in large fish shaped submarines, building pyramids and founding religions, living perhaps in great cities beneath the waves. [3] Experts believe that these unlikely beings in an attempt to preserve their race performed the experiments of genetic manipulation upon apes that resulted in the rise of humankind. Over the eons the aliens' descendents slowly grew more and more like the ape creatures they had created, just as the apes grew more like their masters. Eventually by about 100,000 years ago the two species had completely merged and modern man emerged from the mists of history. Many believe that the civilizations of South America and the upper Nile Valley may hold the last keys to unlocking our genetic heritage [4] These cities were founded when mankind was still very young but the pure blood of our alien ancestors still ran undiluted amongst an elite few. [5]

Around this time of the birth of history, in the more northerly reaches of the great land mass that was eventually to split into Europe, lived a proto-human named Baz. Baz inhabited a ditch, hunted smallish dinosaurs with crude tools and fathered a family whose descents still inhabit the north Hampshire region today. Modern scientific research into DNA markers has enabled us to trace back the bloodlines of this tribe of Bazites or 'Sons of Baz' and it become clear that they share a remarkably close kinship to the apes. This allows us to speculate that perhaps there is something in the very soil of this region that has cuased the true fruit of mother earth to florish. Why else would so many people feel such an instinctive need to leave the area as quickly as possible? It is a fact that avarage amount of time anyone stays in Basingstoke is a mere 3 years, yet the town has always resided in ideal location, far from volcanoes, earthquakes and other seismic activity. It's clean,  relatively  disease free, hot and sunny during the summer, with just enough snow in winter to make things look pretty. There are no floods or poisonous or dangerous animals, it's surrounded by good farmland and lush countryside. There's always been low unemployment and many high profile and high-tech companies choose Basingstoke as the ideal place to live and work. A short road or rail commute to the capital or the idyllic beaches of the English riviera. It's also only half an hour from Heathrow airport and therefore a convenient gateway to the rest of the world. Even the lack of nightlife has been recently rectified with addition of a chain of chain pub/restraunts at the top of town, cozily nestled around that grandfather of all franchises, McDonalds.Yet in spite of all this it is said that the best thing about Basingstoke is that it's easy to leave. It could be argued that people find it boring because there are no earthquakes, volcanos, disease, wars, famine, plagues, floods, wild beasts, tornados, hurricanes, monsoons or unemployment. You might try making a case that people just don't like McDonalds or chain pubs or high tech companies, but then why are such organizations so prolific? In the end the most likely explanation is simply that the alien blood which flows in all our veins to some degree is repelled by the ground of this region beloved by mother earth. The bottom line is that if you don't like Basingstoke you're inhuman scum.

So, drifting back again then to those verdant and mysterious days lost before the beginning of history, I like to imagine Baz, now quite old, on a late summer's afternoon sprawled on the grass, in front of his cave. He munches on some toadstools that his son Baz has gathered down in the bog [6] that morning and gazes at the far away clouds. Slowly reality begins to seep away at the periphery of his vision and the rainbow colors of the countryside around him grow more intense and inviting. Suddenly a shining apparition appears before him and the future of Basingstoke is revealed in vision. "I am Quezacoatl", the old man announces. Your descendants will build Basing House and will be known throughout the local area". 

 

[1] Another good site for the serious reader is Basingstoke Nights.

[2]For more information on these ideas why not join and rise to the higher echelons of the Church of Scientology or a similar crackpot organization.

[3] This website is all about some pyramids & stuff they just found under the ocean near Japan, although if you ask me, they're barking up the wrong tree when they say it's Atlantis.

[4] Fingerprints of the Gods by Graham Hancock is a cracking good book all about this sort of thing.

[5] Read the 'Holy Blood & the Holy Grail' for more on this.

[6] Now the site of beautiful modern, upper middle income homes in lovely Olde Basing village.


The original 'alien autopsy'

 

Early Baswiegian dwelling place 


Basingstoke, 1,0001,989 Years BM 
(Before McDonalds)
 
 

Basingstoke's first family.

Chapter 2. The Iron Age - Early Bazites

Index

Artwork and text ©2004 Chuck Whelon
Read Chuck's comic strip 'Pewfell' every weekday at: http://www.pewfell.com