HomepageAboutSketch BlogLinksMap Room
Trade PaperbackseBooksPrint ComicsCollectibles

The Official Bish Bathewell Spell Book

devotly scripted and faithfully illustrated by

Jan Hochbruck

Presented in the original German with English translations provided by the author:

Here begins the book of the veneration and religion of Hornbag, the godess, as the true testifier Bish Bathewell, Bishop of Spirecassle, in the year 2002 or the 4th of her first appearance on the web, conceived.

Offering flowers, the blessed one by Hornbag can determine the ALIGNMENT, i. e. once a day he may offer 1 D 4 (per grade) flowers to non-attacking beings, which have to show their alignment though their reaction. An attack throw has to be successful for "chaotic" beings. If a donation is begged simultaneously, the success rate sinks to 20%. Btw., the offering of flowers doens't affect attacks or initiative throws ...

HORNARAMA BAGALAMA is a chant of the Holy Ones of Hornbag to give proof of, demonstrate, and increase their unity. This chant isn't really magic, but gives NPC followers morale +1 and increases the chance to find new followers by 25%, if one agrees that these new followers have intelligence max 8. Beings of superior intelligence are being chased off by HORARAMA BAGALAMA.

Unity with nature and dedication to ye goddess enable the cleric to build himself a costume within 20 rounds, that gives him the 80% chance of the appearance as a "wandring mould" aka known as "waddler". In the 20% chance rest the knobbly knees of the priest are being recognized. The main thing about this is the illusion. Most sensible opponents (80%) will flee without the necessity of an attack throw, for unintelligent beings an attack throw is obligatory. The costume can only be build within a forest.

BENDING SPOONS is more a side-effect than a spell. Hornbag punishes all those by it that start eating before the prayer is done. Sometimes, she punishes all people around. This works only with spoons, and specially with soups containing tomatoes or curry. A „saving throw for objects“ may be performed. Contrary to the original rite, only one prayer per meal - not one per course - is sufficient.


With a bit of luck one can grow Hornbag‘s tremendous ASPARAGUS. This spell makes pointy asparagus grow on an area of 1 D 3 square meters per experience grade of the spellcaster. It shoots out of the ground with the velocity of arrows and inflicts damage upon beings possibly on top of it of 2 D 4. The asparagus doesn‘t keep its speed for very long, and is dangerous for only some 10 meters above ground; then it plummets down again and becomes ordinary asparagus. It is edible, but rather wooden (Quality class C). This spell works only on soil, not on rock or wood. It works preferably in the months of may, april or june (+ 2 on attack throw).


To (possibly) WALK ON WATER may be done by concentrating very intensely. Then it doesn‘t matter whether it may be beer, wine, coffee or sauce bernaise or even actually water. The priest of Hornbag has to have his feet naked, and mustn‘t carry heavy weights. This spell doesn‘t save from damage by heat (if the water‘s boiling) and aquatic beings might attack, too. This spell holds on for up to 3 D 8 rounds, fast running, working and fighting on the water shortens its duration by half. This spell doesn‘t protect from getting wet by rain.


With a libation one can induce INCONTINENCE. Out of a multitude of enemies, with each grade 1 D 4 suffer incontinence. They lose initiative and 2 upon their attack throw and armor class, beings smaller than human have a 50% chance of fleeing.
To work this spell, the spellcaster has to take a sip in honor of Hornbag (blessed be her name). The spell lasts for 2 D 4 rounds. The fleeing beings leave noticeable (depending on the ground) traces behind.


The great godess deigns the HEALING of light wounds. If the priest lays his hands upon the wounded, he may heal 1 D 8 of damage. This can only be made with touchable beings.
The healing takes effect until the being is again wounded or gets run over somehow.
For the inverse spell the priest has to touch the being, too, an attack throw has to succeed if in doubt. Range: Touch. Words and gestures. Lasting effect. Spell takes 5 rounds to be cast. Effective with substantial beings. No saving throw possible.

Let there be LIGHT (or not). Within a radius of 6 m around the center there is a torch-like light, only without the flicker. Outside of this ball of light it remains dark. A movable object can be determined as the source of light. If the target is a living being, a saving throw against magic is possible; if the light-spell is cast upon the eyes, attack, armor class and saving throw worsen by 4.
Light can be ended by the caster at once. The effect of several spells doesn’t sum up. The spell is invereseable, within this kind of daarkness only magic light of day-brightness works. Or a targeted light-spell like this one, aimed at the source of it.


With great mercy Hornbag endows a BLESSING on the priest and his allies. They get +1 for their saving throws against fear and for their attack throws. A blessing must be done before the battle. All beings within a cube of 15 m can be blessed like this, but only those the priest wants to bless. The blessing lasts for 6 rounds.
An object can be blessed, too, an crossbow-bolt for example. For each grade of the spellcaster 1 pound of object can be blessed. The effect is limited to 6 rounds here, too.


Got any ideas for a spell? Why not tell us about it here!